MSMAMACHIC

In the past month, I’ve been feeling lost and unclear about what I want from my life.  The thing I love and define my lifestyle by – training for CrossFit, even came into question which terrified me.  Feeling less excited about my workouts sent me into an intense transcendental kind of self-examination.  

I’ve spent the better part of 3 years training in CrossFit. What began as a change in fitness modality became an obsession. Gradually, my lifestyle took shape around my training until fitness became deeply rooted in how I understand my life. 

This last month, my “motivation” waned in a way that has me questioning what I want from this sport and my training.  

I’ve been apprehensive to admit this out loud.

What if saying it makes me less committed, less disciplined or complacent?

What if confessing this out in the open means that this huge piece of my life is receding and with it, all of the significant meaning I’ve accrued with it?

I love to train.

I can’t adequately describe the truth of this statement.

My love for it is visceral. 

My body yearns for it.

Relentless commitment to this type of discomfort have taught me invaluable elements about myself and my approach to challenge and pain. 

I discussed my declining enthusiasm, life purpose and happiness with a few good friends to gain some perspective.  

“How do you know what you want from your life?”

Often, the response I received was to take a step back, take a break and see if I miss it.

My coach told me to get extremely clear about my priorities and align my life accordingly. 

I asked my sister and her response was slightly divergent from the others.

She said,

“I think everybody kind of develops their own way of looking at life so I’m not saying that this is the way you should too but, I don’t feel like there’s any end goal in my life.  I kind of just live each day and focus on kind of being appreciative of the things that make me happy.  And if something is making me unhappy, I think about how I can change it.  I think goals are important but when you tell yourself there’s something in your life that you need to achieve or that you don’t have, it can kind of send you in the wrong direction because maybe life isn’t about achieving anything at all, it’s just about living.”

Huh.

I sat down with a pen and paper and that preponderate question again:

𝕎ℍ𝔸𝕋 𝔻𝕆 𝕀 𝕎𝔸ℕ𝕋?

I still couldn’t come up with a clear statement.

My mind was blank.

Silence. 

𝕎ℍ𝔸𝕋 𝕀ℕ 𝕋ℍ𝔼 𝔽𝕌ℂ𝕂 𝔻𝕆 𝕀 𝕎𝔸ℕ𝕋?

The neurotic in me likes straight lines, clear edges, and solid directions.

Particularly when I’m afraid. When I don’t know what’s coming next, my fists clench, I fasten myself to my routine and I try to maintain control on every facet of my life.  I’m afraid that if I let go, I’ll stumble into an abyss of unknowns, not knowing what way is up and losing time and progress in the process.

In Glennon Doyle’s book “Untamed” she says, “We only control what we don’t trust.”  

When fear is high, my self doubt rises proportionally with it.

If I lack trust in myself and in my competence, I move into a frenetic space of frantically trying to grasp something certain.

I’ve been here so often, that I recognize that this frenzied, flailing, fuckery isn’t productive.  

This is a counterintuitive state to be in when I want to know what’s true for myself.

To get to a space where I know what’s true for me I have to get quiet, push everything outside of me away and be with myself. 

Truth for me is still, heavy, grounded. 

The truth is a solid weight in my gut that feels like consummate satiation.

This is what I want…

I want to EXPERIENCE good food, laughter, warm evenings and luminescent interactions.

I want to be WILD. 

I want to be an engaged and loving MOTHER.

I want to become an exceptional CrossFit ATHLETE.  I want to competently execute all the skills required to compete in a master’s level competition by next year.

I want a passionate, respectful and healthy relationship – a LOVE made of fire and friendship.  

I want to look into my own eyes and see a woman I ADMIRE.

I want to live in a most HONEST, BRAVE and COMPASSIONATE way.

I want to FEEL EVERYTHING even when it scares me, burns me, afflicts me, thrusts me into grief.  I want to feel everything because it’s my passport to freedom and the alternative is the pain of regret, avoidance, “what if”.

I want to WRITE authentic stories about love, loss, pain, change, growth because these are fundamental experiences to life. 

I want genuine CONNECTIONS with good, honest people. 

I want to LIVE.  I don’t want to get so focused on perfect execution of each step, that I miss out on the living part.  

Like my sister said, there is no end  goal and this list will shift, change, grow, and parts will fade as the truth of my life becomes redefined over and over again.  My pursuits will continue, as will my dreaming, livin’ and quiet check-in’s to question, engage, feel, and decide what’s right for me.

What do you want from your life?

xo

Jen