“Everything will be okay, because I have HIM. As long as HE is by my side, it doesn’t matter how things turn out because together WE’LL make it through and be okay.”
As a wife, this is what I believed about my husband, my marriage and my life.
Leaning into this idea displaced a substantial amount of pressure from big decisions. It also eased the discomfort of working through failures, mistakes, and growth. It enabled me to deny a deep internal disquiet rather than face a multitude of uncomfortable truths.
My marriage was at the core of my values. It defined how I saw myself. It was fundamental to whether or not I experienced my life as happy or in need of work. It went like this,
My Marriage = GOOD😊➡️ My Experience of Myself & My Life = GOOD😊
My Marriage = BAD😒➡️ MY Experience of Myself & My Life = BAD😒
My perception of life was completely dependent on the state of my relationship with my husband. This wasn’t an optimal situation for several reasons, but the main one being that it wasn’t something I had control of. When my marriage ended, the supportive foundation I had imagined, disappeared beneath my feet.
Everything wasn’t okay. I didn’t know how things were going to turn out and I wasn’t sure if things were ever going to be okay.
As I moved through the stages of having a toddler and a newborn while navigating my divorce, I’ve approached the last few years one day at a time, one decision at a time. There were so many decisions ahead of me and I was the only one who could make those decisions. At the time, I honestly didn’t trust myself to make the right ones.
I slowly moved through each step, assessing risk, analyzing possible outcomes, and making the best decision based on my own internal analytics. As I made each choice, I became more confident with subsequent decision-making but, apprehension with big decisions has never really disappeared.
Today, I’m in a place where my divorce is fairly final. I’m settled in my own home, my children are beginning school and I’ve proven that I’m capable of thriving independently. With each passing season, I’m experiencing an ever increasing pressure to improve my life to a greater extent. I want to create something better for myself and my family. At times, it feels as if I’m running out of time to dismantle a bomb. I get stuck at which wire to cut, paralyzed with fear that I’ll make the wrong choice.
I’m afraid of committing to one path because what if I’m mistaken about what I really want and I end up regretting my decision, hating my life, and begrudging myself. At the same time, I know that it’s imperative to make a choice and move toward something because if I don’t, I run the risk of regretting my indecision, hating my life, and begrudging myself for not being more brave.
When I’m desperate for certainty in my life, I hunger for even one absolute that will reassure me that I’m heading in the right direction. The problem with thinking that one absolute will suppress uncertainty, is that NOTHING IS EVER ABSOLUTE OR CERTAIN. Buying into the delusional confidence of “guarantees” precludes my ability to acknowledge that the future never ends up looking the way I originally envisioned it. Most of the time, this is okay, and some of the time, the future actually ends up far better.
I’ve discovered that often, we don’t know what the hell we want until we get the chance to experience it, roll it around on our palate and really get a good taste for it. And it’s not uncommon to find that the things we thought we desired, weren’t as satisfying as we thought they’d be.
When I asked a friend what I should do with my life he replied,
“Keep doing what you’re doing.”
At first, it felt like a non-answer to my internal dilemma. But the more I’ve sat with it, I realize that I’m not stagnant. I’m doing a lot of things and while the pace of progress on each of them is very gradual, I’m still moving. I’m still growing, changing, shifting.
“Keep doing what you’re doing” means, stay committed. Continue to get better at everything you’re currently working on and learn from the good and the bad that accompanies the experience of your commitment. Every decision I’ve made comes with an inherent sacrifice and reward. The sacrifices are just as important as the rewards and my commitment despite the pain of sacrifice is what has influenced my character the most.
So here’s where I’ll be…
Training hard.
Parenting as authentically as I can.
Working.
Reading.
Writing about my experience and the things I learn and unlearn along the way.
Striving to be better at all of it.
Stay Tuned…
xo,
Jen
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MSMAMACHIC 