My Dearest Ruby,
We made it. 1 year. You are healthy. You are happy. You are brilliant.
The day I discovered I was pregnant with you was one of complete elation for me. You have made my heart happy from that very moment.
When you are pregnant, as much as your baby feels a part of you, your baby is distinctly another. In the way your biggest hopes and dreams are at one time noticeably separable from what is. They are a somebody you don’t yet know but spend hours weaving daydreams about. You imagine what colour their eyes might be. Will they have a sense of humor? What will they become? They are a child constructed by your imagination every day as you wait for their arrival.
My pregnancy with you was bittersweet. Veiled in a fog of heartache but so full of hope and love.
In survival, we became one.
Heavy considerations preoccupied my mind and heart. I was elsewhere for much of the time. Yet, I knew you were with me. You moved with me throughout the day, quiet but strong. At night, when we settled into bed with only the two of us and my thoughts, you gently nudged me and I quietly whispered, “I love you. Please, know that I do. My heart is broken but my love for you is unwavering.” And I knew that you did.
As your arrival grew closer, I busied myself more. I worked until a few days before your birth because I worried fear and overwhelm would swallow me whole. I was afraid that when they placed you on my chest, that with the weight of both you and my grief, I would no longer be able to breathe.
When your Auntie Chelsea said, “It’s a girl”. Something let go inside me. I knew in that moment what I had known all along. I knew you before you were even mine. You were entirely meant for me. And when they placed you in my arms, we were reunited. You had a head of black hair and a protesting cry that would transform into a bossy pants attitude which I completely admire.
You are the essential addition to our family. So much so, that I can’t imagine life was ever quite complete before you. Your eyes fill with divine adoration when you lay eyes on your brother. This absolutely makes me melt. Seeing the love between the two of you is one of my life’s greatest blessings.
My love, you are going to take the world by storm. You have a mischievous smile, a curiosity for the world around you and a commanding spirit.
You are beautiful. You are bright. You are more than I could have ever hoped for. I am proud to be your mother.
I love you so much.