I thought I was living the DREAM. I thought I had done everything RIGHT in my life. Everything was PERFECT. I had met my “soul mate” when I was 17 years old, and I took a chance on love. WE got married. WE were going to have the kind of love story our grandparents had. WE were going to be those two people who told their grandchildren about love at first sight, about the BEAUTY of staying committed to someone through the ups and downs of life. I used to tell my friends that I had hit “the husband jackpot”.
I did everything RIGHT. I became an educated professional, I learned to become responsible with finances, I paid my loans, I learned to manage a home, I learned to cook delicious meals and I hosted great dinner parties. WE planned starting a family together with aspirations to “raise our kids RIGHT – with morals, values, integrity.” I was doing everything RIGHT.
And then that PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL life with the PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL dreams and that PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL love story…all of it went up in flames as my husband of 10 years, walked out the door. I was 19 weeks pregnant with our second child and holding my two-year-old son in my arms. The memories of the past 13 years together were scattered around me like torn up photographs.
A year ago, I wondered, if when I looked in the mirror, if there would be a time when the person looking back at me didn’t have tears in her eyes and sorrow draped across her face.
A year ago, I wondered if the ache in my chest would remain there for the rest of my life.
I wondered if I would ever genuinely smile again.
I wondered if I would ever experience candid laughter again or if it would merely be a conversational extension of politeness.
This past year has been incredible in so many ways. So many things happened in my life that I never imagined I would experience. I have experienced incomprehensible pain and remarkable growth. There have also been these startling moments of pure joy. There are parts that aren’t pretty. But I have come to learn that the growth that occurs out of heartbreak – this is the BEAUTIFUL stuff. That growth is REAL and it is GENUINE. Growth means you’ve survived the storm, growth is what makes you look at yourself in the mirror with prideful love and say, “Damn girl, look at you.”
Today, I am a stronger, wiser, truer and more present version of myself. I can tell you that as difficult and terrifying as it was, I finally met myself. I looked at myself for the first time, as I am and I had one of those Grey’s Anatomy, “he is not the sun, you are” moments. I will tell you that I still have days of deep loneliness and profound grief for the loss of a life that could have been. I have days where I struggle so hard to see the worthiness in myself. But, I will also tell you that I have indeed smiled again and sincerely laughed. I have started to cultivate a confidence and power that isn’t contingent upon anything other than being precisely who I authentically am.
Which brings me to my point in this first blog post. Lately, I am seeing a common theme showing up in my life concerning vulnerability and truth. Today, as I was trying to think of what to write for my very first blog post, I was listening to a meditation and in it, it said, that when we have the courage to speak our truth, we give others the permission to do the same. So here it is.
What it comes down to, is that living authentically, showing up as an empowered, LADY BOSS is FUCKING TERRIFYING but so absolutely EXHILIARTING!! And I want to share my story and my journey as honest proof that it is possible to rise out of the ashes of loss and move forward into something new and brilliant.
This project truly scares the shit out of me and is so beyond exciting at the same time. I am looking forward to sharing so many things – REAL stories about how I am moving and growing through this experience, meeting myself and ultimately becoming the most confident, unapologetic and BADASS version of myself.