MSMAMACHIC

My God, this past decade was a gruelling blessing.  I took the goal of 𝕓𝕖𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕘 the woman I want to be very seriously.  Taking action to become is much like therapy.  If it’s not painful, you’re probably not doing it right. 

It began with a list of all the attributes I wanted to be.  And then a deep examination of myself.  I underwent a period of intense self-awareness, oscillating between self-consciousness and self-assurance, trust in myself and immense doubt.  I looked my insecurities, fears, and darkest parts right in the eye, and I embraced them rather than running from them.      

I worked hard at so many things — my body, my mind, my heart.

I made choices and mistakes, and I got back up and did better. I offended people, I broke hearts, and I misunderstood others while attempting to understand them and myself simultaneously.  I apologized and meant it. I grieved, and in that grief, I gained more compassion for others and, ultimately, for myself.  

The woman I strive to be is 𝕓𝕠𝕝𝕕 with her life.  She is well-read, strong, reliable, honest, loving and brave.

I want to feel used up at the end of my life.

I want hands like my mothers’ — broken in and weathered by life and love — ones that touched, healed, worked, fed, held.

I want to say that each day I did and gave what I could with what I had.  

𝕎𝕙𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝕚𝕟 𝕞𝕪 𝟛𝟘’𝕤…

I learned to be dependable not only to others but to myself.  To do what I say I’m going to do. 

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I learned about the power of intention and how, when applied in conjunction with a plan, you can methodically execute and assess the success or failure of your actions. 

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I learned that 𝕤𝕖𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕀 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕤𝕖𝕖 and 𝕤𝕖𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕨𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕚𝕤 are two very different things. 

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I gained a profound understanding of the quote, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

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I learned that sometimes the things I thought I wanted on paper…weren’t actually what my soul hungered for.

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I gained an experiential understanding of confidence.  Not posturing and antidotes, but authentic, raw, and honest confidence that comes from exposure to discomfort, taking action, and accepting oneself, the good, the bad, all of it.

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I learned that fear and confidence are not mutually exclusive, and they never will be. 

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I learned that 𝕥𝕣𝕦𝕖 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕗𝕖𝕖𝕝𝕤 𝕝𝕚𝕜𝕖 𝕕𝕖𝕖𝕡 𝕡𝕖𝕒𝕔𝕖 —a knowing, grounded sense that you’re home and safe. 

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I learned about 𝕘𝕣𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕥𝕦𝕕𝕖.  𝕀𝕥 𝕔𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕕 𝕞𝕪 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖.

The reward for this uncomfortable, exhausting education is that I’ve never been so 𝔸𝕃𝕀𝕍𝔼.  

And 𝕞𝕪 𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕤𝕥 𝕨𝕚𝕤𝕙, a decade ago, for 𝕡𝕦𝕣𝕡𝕠𝕤𝕖, 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖, 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕗𝕒𝕞𝕚𝕝𝕪, is now 𝕞𝕪 𝕝𝕚𝕗𝕖.